“Why Great Husbands Are Being Abandoned”-HuffPo

Men are less interested in marriage, and the reason why is not a mystery. Therapist Randi Gunther writes in the Huffington Post about “Why Great Husbands Are Being Abandoned“.

She states that unlike men of the past, Millennial men are

…across the board, respectful, quality, caring, devoted, cherishing, authentic, and supportive guys… These once-beloved men make a living, love their kids, help with chores, support aging parents, and support their mate’s desires and interests. They believe they’ve done everything right.

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Why do women leave these men? The women “just wanted something new”. And as I noted in a previous post, it isn’t just heterosexual women: lesbians divorce at twice the rate of gay men.

For heterosexual women, divorce simply isn’t as costly. In some US states she’ll get lifetime alimony, and custody of the children is almost guaranteed even if she’s not the best parent.

But I have a major disagreement with Gunther. She writes,

How can a man be a caretaker and a warrior at the same time? How can he serve his woman’s need for a partner who is vulnerable, open, and intimate, while donning armor to fight the dangers that threaten his family and place in the world?

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And here’s a huge part of the problem: How can he serve her needs? What about his needs? Neither Gunther nor the women she counsels seem to have thought much about that.

Though politically incorrect and rarely discussed, many women’s sense of entitlement is a significant problem in relationships. And men are all too quick to indulge women instead of setting boundaries.

Some young men are overeager to jump into marriage, so Millennials being less interested in marriage is a positive rather than a negative trend. And middle age men who avoid remarrying are wise, not selfish.

We need to teach boys and men that not only is it okay to set boundaries with women, it’s a necessity. Marriage is an enormous risk for men, and boundary setting begins even before the first date. Men should be slower to commit, and should walk out the door if she balks at his boundary setting.

I still don’t know what to make of the MGTOW movement (men going their own way). At first glance it looks like an overreaction. But perhaps not all MGTOW want to exile women from their lives, and will accept women who respect men’s boundaries.

Francis Roy lists some of these boundaries:

I am MGTOW because it’s not my job to impress you.

I am MGTOW because it’s not my job to provide for you.

I am MGTOW because it’s not my job to protect you.

I am MGTOW because it’s not my job to make you happy. That’s your own responsiblity.

I am MGTOW because it’s not my duty to restructure my life and relationships to please you.

I am MGTOW because I don’t need to change for you. This is who I am, love me, or leave me.

I am MGTOW because if is fair to expect as much from you as you might expect of me.

I am MGTOW because your approval has no bearing on my choices.

I am MGTOW because I owe you no explanations for my life choices.

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I can imagine a lot of women having a strong negative reaction to this, but such women are the ones divorcing good men.

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7 thoughts on ““Why Great Husbands Are Being Abandoned”-HuffPo

  1. “We need to teach boys and men that not only is it okay to set boundaries with women, it’s a necessity.”

    This is so true and I think what’s often missed is how important that is to women’s sense of safety and well being. Men tend to think they’re being kind when they are accommodating and appeasing, when in fact, too much of that is often distressing to women. We feel lost, we have to go find ourselves, something’s missing, whatever vague explanation we give, that’s usually what lays beneath the surface, no boundaries, no edges in our relationships.

    As to the MGTOW’s, I have to admire some of them. What’s more healthy than going your own way, investing in yourself? That’s not selfish, that’s wise. I am wildly romantic however, and believe everyone is entitled to love, so I hope some of them eventually find it. There’s a fine line between walling yourself off and standing up for who you are. Not an easy dance, I’m sure.

    1. Well put: “There’s a fine line between walling yourself off and standing up for who you are”. That’s the concern I have about MGTOW, though it isn’t a movement I fully understand – hopefully that is what they’re going for.

    2. Men tend to think they’re being kind when they are accommodating and appeasing

      To repeat what I’ve said to Eldrich: this is how I was raised. I was taught two things: “Be nice to women” and “Respect women.” What I was never taught was “expect women to be nice to you”, and “expect women to treat you with respect.”

      I was essentially taught that in order to be loved by women, that I had to be a courtier at the Princess’ Court. I was told that women had to be treated especially well. The sense that I gleaned was treat women like royalty, as though they are special (and that I wasn’t, because I was a boy), to never assert myself, because that would be rude and disrespectful, and to accept whatever treatment was dished out, because Royalty knows better.

      I was taught that women were pure, and men were pigs. That women didn’t want sex, those that did were sluts. If men wanted sex, and we did, that this made us automatic dirty man-sluts that would sully her purity, so we had to be extra-special, and good and nice, and pay for her attention due to the innate difference in our value.

      I was told “What I want is a nice guy.” Being a straightforward, honest and guileless kid, I took them at their word, and was nice. The nicer I was, the less attention was paid to me. It took me years to understand that “a nice guy” meant “A guy that meets 20 of my unspoken criteria.” And it still does.

      I gave women what they said they wanted. This was exactly the wrong thing to do. Now I do what I want to do, and if she wants my attention, she as to earn it as much as the next guy.

  2. And here’s a huge part of the problem: How can he serve her needs?

    Two things: first, this is how I was raised and second, good catch on a presupposition that I missed.

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